The “Pilot” Who Never Flew a Plane (But Landed a Continental Coup)
Critics scoffed at Keyamo’s aviation credentials, calling him a lawyer lost in the clouds, but this legal eagle pulled off a regional power play smoother than a first-class upgrade. In 2025, he was appointed Chairman of the Banjul Accord Group (BAG), an ICAO body harmonizing aviation standards across seven West African nations—like herding cats into a synchronized dance routine. The irony? A barrister who’d never taxied a Cessna now directs regional air traffic policy, treating regulations like courtroom adversaries he cross-examines into submission. Result? Nigeria’s Aviation Working Group rating soared to 75.5%—Africa’s highest—slashing aircraft lease processing by 30% and hiking approvals by 40%, akin to upgrading your village bicycle to a turbo-charged Ferrari for everyday commutes. Joke break: What do you call a non-pilot revolutionizing aviation? Festus “Skyboss” Keyamo—the man who turns legal briefs into flight manifests without breaking a sweat!
Tarmac Telenovelas: When Empathy Meets Airport Anarchy
Episode 1: Fuji megastar KWAM 1 blocked a moving ValueJet plane in Abuja, allegedly spilling his mystery flask (contents: not holy water, but probably just vibes). The public demanded jail time louder than a concert encore; Keyamo suspended ValueJet’s license and appointed KWAM 1 as “Airport Security Ambassador”, turning a potential scandal into a celebrity endorsement deal. Cue nationwide jaw-drops—and applause for the minister who plays chess while others play checkers!
Episode 2: Comfort Emmanson, arrested after a mid-flight scuffle with Ibom Air crew (sparked by a phone dispute hotter than Lagos traffic), faced Kirikiri prison and a lifetime flying ban. Keyamo intervened like a wise uncle at a family feud: noted her “great remorse,” dropped charges, lifted the ban, and ordered airline staff retraining. Plot twist: Airlines considered making her an “Ambassador for Good Conduct”—because who better to preach patience than someone who’s learned it the hard way?
Keyamo’s Law of Aviation Karma: Deputize the famous, recruit the remorseful. His logic? “A repentant offender preaches best against the sin”. Move over, Nollywood—our airports are Nigeria’s new drama epicenters, with Keyamo as the director who always casts empathy in the lead role. Bonus humour: If Keyamo were a superhero, his power would be turning turbulence into teachable moments—cape optional, SAN title mandatory!
Infrastructure Alchemy: Turning “Leaking Roofs” into Digital Havens
Pre-Keyamo, Lagos’s Murtala Muhammed Airport (MMIA) was a 1979 relic where rodents outnumbered charging ports, like an old family car held together by duct tape and prayers. Keyamo secured N720 billion from the Renewed Hope Fund, triggering a metamorphosis: smart technologies, expanded aprons, and NASA-esque control towers in Abuja, Kano, and Enugu—transforming these hubs from leaky village huts into gleaming five-star hotels for travelers. It’s like giving your grandma’s kitchen a high-tech makeover, complete with self-stirring pots and voice-activated ovens. Joke break: What’s the difference between 2023 MMIA and a Nollywood set? The set had better lighting—and fewer uninvited guests with tails. Now? It’s the “Murtala Muhammed International Space Station,” thanks to Keyamo, the alchemist who turns budgetary lead into golden runways. Humour alert: If airports could vote, they’d elect him president—for life!
The $850 Million Hostage Rescue (and the Catering Rebellion)
Foreign airlines were fleeing over $850 million in trapped funds, like guests ditching a party with no jollof rice. Keyamo played financial commando: cleared 98% by mid-2024, faster than a Lagos danfo dodging potholes. Result? Emirates returned, tails between wings, ready to party again. His next move? Mandating foreign carriers to buy Nigerian catering from 2025, boosting local businesses like injecting steroids into your neighborhood buka. Take that, British Airways’ sad sandwiches! Analogy: Keyamo negotiating with airline CEOs is like a SAN cross-examining a perjurer—no escape, just concessions—or better yet, like bargaining at Balogun Market: you think you’re winning until he walks away with the deal of the century. Joke break: Keyamo’s so persuasive, he could convince a mosquito to donate blood—voluntarily!
Consumer Justice: When “No Refund” Became a Federal Crime
Pre-Keyamo, flight cancellations meant passengers footing hotel bills, like being invited to a wedding and then paying for the cake. Enter the NCAA’s Consumer Protection Directorate (2024), slapping sanctions on airlines for delays and ensuring refunds quicker than a WhatsApp read receipt. Anecdote: When a Lagos-Abuja flight was canceled, a passenger tweeted Keyamo at 2 AM. By dawn, the airline issued vouchers—and a public apology, as if caught red-handed in a lie. Moral: Don’t mess with Nigerians’ travel plans while the SAN is awake; it’s like poking a sleeping lion with a selfie stick. Keyamo’s reforms are like installing airbags in every danfo—making the ride safer and fairer for all. Humour boost: He’s the people’s champion, turning “sorry, no refund” into “here’s your money, plus interest”—because who else could make airlines apologize like naughty schoolkids?
The National Carrier Debate: “Why Buy the Cow?”
Keyamo sparked fury by declaring Nigeria wouldn’t spend “a dime” on a state-owned airline, like refusing to buy a fancy car when your bicycle just needs new tires. Critics howled louder than a stadium full of Super Eagles fans; he countered: “Let’s fix the runway before painting the plane,” a quip wiser than an elder’s proverb. Instead, he backed Air Peace’s Lagos-London route (slashing fares from N3.5m to N1.2m, like turning premium fuel into affordable petrol) and pushed the Fly Nigeria Act—prioritizing local carriers for government travel, empowering them like giving small businesses a VIP pass to the big league. Joke: How many bureaucrats does it take to nationalize an airline? Keyamo: “Zero. We’ve got real work to do”—and boy, does he deliver, making rivals look like they’re still learning to ride a tricycle while he’s zooming on a jet ski!
The Midnight Inspector and His “Unnecessary” Enemies
Amid aviation storms, Keyamo found time to dismiss a new opposition party as a “pedestrian joke”, wittier than a stand-up comedian’s punchline. Colleagues whisper about his 2 AM airport inspections and unannounced tarmac walks, like a night watchman who never sleeps. When Enugu’s taxiway cracked, he was onsite in 3 hours, fixing it faster than a mechanic tuning a keke. No surprise he bagged “Super Minister” awards in 2024—deserved accolades for the man who treats crises like minor typos in a legal brief. Applicable joke: Why did the minister cross the runway? To personally inspect the pothole AND appoint a repentant jaywalker as “Pedestrian Ambassador.” Humour extra: Keyamo’s enemies call him “unnecessary,” but that’s just jealousy—after all, who else could make aviation drama funnier than a viral TikTok skit?
Conclusion: Why Nigeria Soars With Keyamo
“Leadership is less about charisma and more about competence when the person in charge knows what the hell they’re doing” .
Keyamo blends legal precision, political nerve, and disarming empathy, like a master chef mixing spices for the perfect jollof. He turned a phone-scuffle passenger into a conduct ambassador and a tarmac troublemaker into a security advocate, proving flexibility is his superpower. In a nation weary of rigid bureaucracy, his approach feels revolutionary—even when it leaves us chuckling like kids at a comedy show. As one Facebook wit noted: “Keyamo may not fly planes, but he’s giving Nigeria’s aviation sector wings”. Clear skies ahead? With this SAN in the cockpit—turbulence included—it’s one hell of a ride, and we’re all buckled up for more laughs and lifts!
S.I. Dumbili, Esq., writes from Asaba, Delta State
dumbiliizuchukwu@nigerianbar.ng
(08036186069).
